Mother’s Day has been long gone
in England, however, its blissfully artificial fantasy will soon take place in America.
I missed out writing about Mother’s Day when it happened in UK, however, I think
it is still important to address the issues associated with this event. Mother’s
Day can cause past trauma, negative memories and suffering from childhood to
resurface.
Being bombarded with images of happy families in their picture-perfect homes is nothing but torture for the mind. If you have had a dysfunctional childhood in which your parent did not love you or care - you may ask yourself – how do I survive this celebration? How do I cope with being motherless / parent-less?
Being bombarded with images of happy families in their picture-perfect homes is nothing but torture for the mind. If you have had a dysfunctional childhood in which your parent did not love you or care - you may ask yourself – how do I survive this celebration? How do I cope with being motherless / parent-less?
Accept your negative childhood experiences
The first step in finding solace is
accepting your negative childhood experiences. By acceptance, I don’t mean forcing
yourself to believe that what happened to you is okay. Acceptance means understanding
that similar experiences happen for a lot of people. It means that you should
not feel ashamed, you should not blame yourself for having bad parents or a Mother
who did not offer support to you. I
think when we are young we become products of our parents and their mistakes.
As you grow up, you can detach yourself from them and just accept the
experiences as they are without any personal involvement. Treat yourself with
kindness instead of criticism, negative childhood experiences have not ruined
you as a person – I promise.
Stop comparing yourself to others
When your brain is over-thinking,
over-analysing a specific aspect of your life – it will dedicate all your
attention resources towards finding evidence to basically prove a point. If
you keep thinking that you are the only one without a happy family or a great
Mother – happy families, perfect Mothers will appear in front of your eyes.
This relates to this thing called “Negativity Bias”. The best way to avoid doing
this is to stop comparing yourself to others. Stop thinking that other people
have it better than you, that they had better experiences. Individuals and
their situations are complex, meaning that they cannot be compared unless they
are simplified to their insignificant parts. You are you – no one else, so stop
wishing that you had someone else’s childhood or family.
Distract yourself with something else
When the digital images of happy
families, happy children, and their Mother’s start bombarding you, the best thing
to do is to switch your social media off and distract yourself with something
else. Whether it is working on a project or simply reading a book with a cuppa,
do not risk yourself being absorbed in all this information related to Mother’s
Day. When you are distracted, you may even forget that is Mother’s Day.
Understand that perfect families are not real
Key thing that you should understand
is that perfect families are not real. It doesn’t matter how someone’s family
or Mother appears to you. You will never know what happens behind closed doors.
The perfect family representation that is depicted in the media is nothing but means
of selling products and experiences – holidays, meals out and the like. When
you understand that the perfect family does not exist, you will also realise that
you have not missed out on this experience of having a perfect childhood.
Perfect childhood, being raised in a picture-perfect family is fiction.
Know that you are loved
Over the course of your life, you
have probably met a lot of people (even if you are a complete introvert like
myself). It doesn’t matter whether the people in your life are your friends,
your colleagues or online buddies. Every individual has qualities that are
worth respect. Every individual is loved by others for different reasons. You
may have a partner who loves you or a friend who will always support you
unconditionally. Love comes in different forms. Most importantly, having a
dysfunctional childhood does not make you unlovable.
Keep moving forward in life
Despite all that has happened to
you in your childhood, you should never stagnate. You should never fill
yourself with gloom. Keep moving forward in life, working towards your goals.
Be an ambitious fighter. Do not succumb to the negativity triggered by the
memories of your childhood experiences. Feeling
a sense of achievement as you move forward the ladder of life will help you
feel good within yourself. It will make you realise that your life does not
depend on having a fantastic childhood or being raised well by your parents.
You are an independent individual – able to do great things in life, you just
have to be determined.
This is all my advice in relation to Mother’s Day. Everything I have
mentioned comes from a deep place of my heart and personal experience. I guess
this advice can be applied to life in general not just Mother’s Day. Sometimes
ordinary days can be difficult if you have had experienced life in a
dysfunctional family. Some painful memories can come back without any reason.
You can even experience your childhood in dreams. On top of everything else that
I have mentioned, remember that the past is past. You can’t change the past, but
you are the architect of your future.
Accept your experiences, do not compare yourself to others, find
distractions and realise that perfect families are fictional, know that you are
loved and keep moving forward -this will help you survive Mother’s day and life
in general.
This is such a great post that can be applied to so many different situations, whether its about family, friends, coworkers, or any other relationships you may have. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeletemelissakacar.blogspot.com
My relationship with my mum wasn't great when I was a child and teen. I've got much closer to her as an adult, probably due to shared trauma and me living away. It's just another day so try not to think about it. I mean, only America celebrates it on that day so it's just another day elsewhere!
ReplyDeleteThese are great reminders for anyone with a traumatic relationship. There is no such thing as perfection, like you say. Just focus on the now and moving forward and enjoying life.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good reminder for people that like other holidays they aren’t always a happy experience for everyone. You have given some great tips to help others dealing with these difficult situations! Thank you for sharing. Lauren | www.bournemouthgirl.com
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